Monday, June 14, 2010

Things You NEVER Want to Hear

1.  From the back seat of the car: "Mommy, I have a boooooger........... Uh oh Mommy, I lost my boooooger"

2. "I have poop in my pants. Don't worry Mommy. It's just a little."

3. And the latest, greatest.

Let me set the scene: Public restroom at the zoo.

I was changing Keaton's diaper. Carson had to pee.

No prob. Go into the stall next to me.

Completely forgetting he had his Jeff Gordan polyester jumpsuit costume on.

"Mommy, there's water all over the floor."

Jeff Gordon is now lying on the floor like a deflated parade balloon.

"Carson get away from the water" (Thinking to myself: Why in the hell is there water on the floor??)



Shuffling feet.

Shuffling backward.

Shuffling because Jeff Gordan is soaked, trailing behind. Heavy, wet flat arms dragging across the floor, leaving a trail behind them. But still attached from the knees down.

My eyes didn't want to look up from the floor but I forced them and that's when I almost vomited.

You know that stall at the movie theater bathroom, that when you open the door you shut it as quickly as you can?

The one that even the employees ignore because no one wants to go near the overflowing, soupy, toilet paper stuffed, yellowy brown mess.

That's the one I was staring at.

That's the one my son just stood on his tip toes to pee into.

That's the one that poor Jeff Gordon was soaked in.

RULE #354 of parenting.

Do not allow child to enter a bathroom stall without checking it out first.

RULE #355

When costumes are involved, do NOT allow solo bathroom trips.

RULE #356

Pack enough hand sanitizer in your diaper bag to spritz your son from head to toe in an emergency situation.

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